Step 4

Make a searching and fearless written moral inventory of yourself.

That sounds like about the scariest thing (save what is coming in Step 5) that I could do.  Honestly, looking into the deep, dark depths of myself is quite a frightening prospect.

I am not quite sure what to make of this step, actually.

I’ve been thinking about how to approach this for a few days now; it is actually three days later that I am now writing this sentence.  I’ve been trying to make sense out of what this step might mean, about what its role might be in the Gospel as well as in healing.

At first glance, it seems like it is mostly concerned with beating the addict (or sinner, in the Gospel context) when he is down.  He has admitted that he has a problem and that he is out of control—now he is forced to outline everything dirty that he has done.  Perhaps it is my conscience speaking, or my depressive vulnerabilities, but I don’t really feel that I need any reminders as to how vile a sinner I am.  I feel like I do an adequate enough job of flogging myself for my weaknesses.  Sitting down to write out the details seems only like more self-torture.

As I have been contemplating this, though, two things have come to mind.  First, I wonder if this step is meant as a step toward total humility.  Perhaps this “moral inventory” is an attempt to push us closer to an understanding of our need for 100% reliance upon the “tender mercies of the Lord.”  Perhaps seeing our follies laid out in front of us helps us grasp how utterly and desperately we need the Savior.

The second idea that I have about this is that, given what comes in Step 5 (an admission of guilt to other people), that perhaps this is a step toward really, truly ridding oneself of everything that is weighing them down.

I’ve been thinking a lot about humility lately.  I’ve been meaning to post my many musings on the topic ever since I discussed Step 1, but have just overwhelmed with “everything else.”  As I have already been thinking about this quite a bit, I am drawn to my first thought listed above.  I am fully aware of how far “off the mark” I am in terms of God-like living, but I think that this inventory does more than simply re-emphasize that fact.  I think that what it does is helps me realize that despite all of those things, despite the thousands of counts against me, it is still possible to be made whole—the Atonement is that powerful.  Even more importantly, the Atonement is that personal.  Jesus Christ offers me a healing of every ailment I list, he offers a cure to every bruise; He offers me those things.  He doesn’t only offer that healing to those who have done better than have I, he doesn’t only offer the cure to those whose lists are much shorter than mine; He offers these things to someone whose symptoms are exactly mine.

I can’t say that this is the first thing that jumps to mind when I think of Step 4.  But, having faith in this process, I am learning that sometimes we learn why afterward.

Step 3

“Decide to turn your will and your life over to God the Eternal Father and His Son, Jesus Christ.”

Given what we are asked to do in Step 2, Step 3 seems rather natural.  Still, our wills are funny things.  We might be completely convinced of something intellectually, even emotionally, but when it comes to actually doing something (in case, giving in to something bigger than ourselves), we crumble.  This is why diets and exercise plans so frequently fail.  Everyone knows that getting up and going for a 40-minute run in the morning is better than sleeping in, and that, in the long run (no pun intended) the 40 minutes of exercise will make the,=m happier and healthier, but, when given the choice, most of us choose sleeping in.

What I love about The Atonement of Jesus Christ is its infiniteness.  No matter how many times I try to “turn my will over to God,” but then take it back, the same rules apply.  No matter how many times I have to start over, I am given the same Welcome-Home party.  I need lots of “do-overs.”

I’ve always been a fan of Zen koans.  For this reason, the Beatitudes hold a special place in my heart (not that all of Christ’s teaching don’t hold a special place…) because of their koan-like qualities.  It is so counterintuitive to say, “He that loseth his life for my sake shall find it.”  Yet, that is exactly the solution Step 3 offers, and that is exactly always the solution.  By ourselves, we are really only good at one thing and that is distancing ourselves from God.  When left completely to my own devices, I land myself in spiritual peril rather quickly.  But, our minds tell us that we are capable of finding the way on our own.

In many ways, the Plan of Salvation is an exercise in doing what is not immediately intuitive (from an intellectual standpoint).  This is includes submitting ourselves to the “will of the Lord” rather than fighting to find our own way.